The Power of the Middle Ground A Couple's Guide..Book Review and 2 Book Giveaway

A US marriage in the 21st century has about a 50% chance of failing. The Americans for Divorce Reform predicts that, "Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue.”

The divorce rate is Switzerland is about half that number at 25%. What is the Swiss secret? A group of Swiss researchers claim to have the formula to increase a couple’s chances of acquiring a happy marriage. The wife should be five years younger, come from the same cultural background and be 27 percent smarter than her husband.

While here in the US the ages and cultural backgrounds of couples do vary, ladies, it is not your fault that every last one of you is more than 27 percent smarter than your husbands!

So if our marriages are on shaky ground what do we do? One thing that is sure to help is reuniting with our partners back on the more stable, middle ground.

About the Book: The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship by Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD. Prometheus Books. ISBN- 978-1591026624. December 2008.

The Power of the Middle Ground teaches couples how to achieve a much greater impact in solving difficult interpersonal problems. Couples envision a place that brings their potential for love and compassion alive - the Middle Ground. Each partner learns to approach problems productively and neither can dominate.

The Power of the Middle Ground details a series of exercises that equips couples to appreciate and actualize what is positive and possible in their relationship. The Power of the Middle Ground empowers partners to negotiate differences, emphasize the positive, see the issues from the other’s point of view, defuse anger, and rekindle warmth and love.

About the Author: Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD (New York, NY) is a psychotherapist in private practice and a member of the Executive Supervisory Committee of FACTS (the Family and Couples Treatment Service) of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy.

The Review: Babits admits to having had his own difficulties communicating with his partner, and had come to see that they were fighting with themselves in each other’s presence. I connected with what he states (in the introduction): “I realize now that the problem was that neither of us had evolved to the point where we felt secure enough within ourselves to risk giving up even one iota of personal prerogative, for fear that not only would that iota never be recovered, but that it would precipitate an avalanche of chaos within each of our fragile self-systems.” When I read that, I knew he was speaking about us and probably so many other couples.

Conversation can become an extension of a power struggle and as a result can frustrate, and distance partners. Babit’s three-step communication formula provides a solution that is meant to bring both partners together. Here is his simple formula:

1. You state what you feel.
2. You state when you feel it (the circumstances under which it usually occurs).
3. You invite your partner to respond and join you in talking about what is bothering you.

According to Babit, you-statements are perceived as an attack, with the basic three-step communication formula, you are not using “you” statements but “I” statements.

Babit reveals that some of his patients protested to trying to talk this way, as it required too much thinking. He also says that improving a relationship is hard work and learning new ways to talk to each other is a big part of it. I couldn’t agree more.

The chapter on parenthood is divided into two sections, the first half focuses on problems that may arise when parenting a child with “special needs”. The second half focuses on the relationships of those parents who focus all of their attention on nurturing their children at the expense of neglecting their partner.

The book includes case examples of different types of couples, heterosexual, homosexual and senior couples. In each case, the couples work through the three basic communication exercises. The couples experience a conversation in which they take turns and express themselves fully without making accusations or implying blame. The listener explicitly acknowledges the speaker’s feelings.

Chapter seven is a review of the seven guidelines for middle ground communication. This chapter gives a condensed overview of the seven guidelines and is convenient for quick reference.

An entire chapter is devoted to letting go of anger. The chapter includes exercises to help determine your anger profile as well as an exercise to develop an anger genogram (family tree) to explore (anger) traits that may have been inherited.

I enjoyed reading this comprehensive couple’s guide and look forward to applying some of the principles regarding communication that I’ve learned. If couples take the time to read this book and honestly work on the exercises together, rekindling warmth and love within their marriage is very possible.

Buy It: The Power of the Middle Ground is available on Amazon.com for $14.02.


This giveaway is now closed. Thanks for stopping by!

Win It: Julie from FSB Associates is generously offering two copies of The Power of the Middle Ground to my readers.

To Enter is easy, just one mandatory entry.

Mandatory Entry:

1. How is the communication between you and your partner? Comment on whether it is perfect or needs improvement. (We could personally use some improvement!)
--Include your email address (if not public in a profile) so I can contact you if you win.

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Giveaway ends Thursday, on April 22st at 11:59 PM EST. Open to US addresses only. Winners will be chosen by random.org and contacted by email. Please respond in 48 hours or a new winner will be chosen. To be fair to everyone, comments not meeting requirements will be deleted.

Many thanks to Julie for the review and giveaway copies of The Power of the Middle Ground!

The product(s) featured in this review were provided free of cost to me by the author, the manufacturer, or representing PR agency. Opinions expressed are my own and are NOT influenced by monetary compensation.

8 Tips for Renewing Your Relationship This Valentines's Day

Number 5 from the following article hits home for Grant and me. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and build a modular home on our sub-divided lot. We started this project over five years ago. Our timing couldn't be worse! With the lousy economy, job in-security and poor housing market is has been cause for arguments and tension. Applying tips (like #5) will help us get back to our middle ground. I look forward to reading The Power of Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship by Marty Babits and posting my review and giveaway this month.


The following article: 8 Tips for Renewing Your Relationship This Valentine's Day is written by Mary Babits, LCSW, BCD.

8 Tips for Renewing Your Relationship This Valentine's Day
By Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD,
Author of The Power of Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship

1) How many ways do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Pick at least three qualities about your partner that you love. Gift each one of these with something special. For example, give her a CD by her favorite recording artist in celebration of whatever you consider to be her (or his) most appealing facial feature. Choose a clothing accessory that includes the color that you think best flatters your partner and celebrate the way they look in that color. Come up with a quality that you have always valued, from the start of your relationship onward and feature that in a message written in a blank card by you with a tender sign-off. De-emphasize the gifts and emphasize the qualities that you want to call attention to and celebrate.

2) Surprise! Believe it or not some psychoanalysts evaluate the psychic well-being of their clients by determining the degree to which they are capable of surprise! A person who is not responsive to surprise elements in their life is unable to respond spontaneously. Their capacity for joy -- and feeling in general -- is impaired. Give your partner a reason to light up the surprise center in their mid-brain! Think of something that they would like but will not suspect. Have you written them a poem lately? Have you recorded the opening strains of "You are the Sunshine of My Life" on a hand-held tape recorder lately and handed it to them with a post-it instruction to hit the play button? When was the last time you brought your sweetheart a passion fruit chocolate truffle from one of the finest chocolatiers in your community? Whatever it is, make it pleasant and surprising. By the way, the residual benefit of surprising your partner is that you activate your own surprise center. No pun intended, it will be surprisingly beneficial for you.

3) Hand your partner a prerogative pass. (Print it out on an index card if you like.) With this pass he or she will be able to exercise their prerogative in a situation where there is usually a conflict over who gets their way. The one limit to the pass is that they are not allowed to exercise a prerogative if it forces you to do something that you feel uncomfortable doing. Next time you have a conflict over which restaurant to go to your partner can flash the prerogative pass and you'll go Italian if that's their choice rather than whatever else you might have felt in the mood for. Again, this presupposes that you like Italian -- whether or not it would have been your pick that evening or not.

4) Look your partner in the eye and tell them three things that you love about them. They can be big ticket items, like the way you feel together when you are making love. They can be smaller fare, like the way you love it when they wrinkle their nose and close their eyes when they are hysterical with laughter. They can be somewhere in between like when they listen to you explain something in a way that you yourself realize is quite impossible to follow without complaining that they got lost four times in the telling. Write down what you are going to say before beginning this one. Then read it with feeling as if you were auditioning for a part in a movie starring opposite whoever your greatest heart-throb might be. By the way, you can fantasize about a star from any era in this exercise. Living or dead, domestic or foreign -- anything goes. Only make sure you deliver your lines with feeling.

5) Think about something that you and your partner have had trouble coming to terms with in the past year -- like speaking civilly to each other when either of you is angry; or perhaps, discussing a conflict in your financial situation. Without referencing your partner, give a commitment to improve your own ability to speak about the topic without blaming. Tell your partner that you are going to accentuate understanding the issue from their point of view and that you are hoping to have fewer hurtful arguments this coming year. Tell them that you want to conduct your relationship in the middle ground as much as you possibly can; this means that you want to work together, acknowledge and appreciate each other's hopes and dreams and make all plans with these understandings in mind.

6) Is your partner an exercise enthusiast? If so, did you happen to catch Marisa Tomei doing hula hoop exercises on The Ellen DeGeneres Show? The exercise looks like fun -- read about comments on this product on Amazon -- and if you think your partner would enjoy a novel kind of exercise, purchase the item and attach a note pledging, "I hope you enjoy going through this hoop. I look forward to going through all sorts of hoops with you! And I'm lovin' it." Note: Only take this suggestion if you and your partner have a similar sense of humor and you think this would tickle them.

7) Do you prepare a food dish that your partner loves? If the answer is yes, put an announcement inside your Valentine's Day card saying that on such-and-such a date you will be cooking a blankety-blank dinner for them to continue on with the celebration of the love you share. Ask them to contribute on that night by bringing along whatever will enhance the meal for you -- a favorite beverage or dessert that they can purchase or make.

8) Take a minute to think about a trait of yours that your partner has communicated having a problem with -- for example, a hot temper or messiness. Think about any constructive suggestions that your partner has made that you think, when you are considering this calmly and not when you are in the heat of a disagreement, is reasonable and possibly something that you might be able to put into practice. This tip works best if you feel that the trait is something that you actually would like to change within yourself. Research self-help either on the internet or in the self-help section of your favorite book store and find out what authors suggest may be helpful in your particular situation. Jot down the best helpful tip you can find and write your partner a note stating that you have heard their complaint, take it seriously and are poised to work on it. Outline the plan that you have read about that makes sense and feel you can realistically implement. Describe it to your partner. Sit back and let the communication magic do its work. You will have just demonstrated acknowledgment of their feelings; appreciation of their communications on a difficult topic; acceptance of their concerns. You well may have instilled hope and mutuality into your dialogue.

More originality in your renewal message signals desire to take things higher. Chocolate and flowers have their appeal, but can become real humdrum. So take some time, do some prep work and put these tips into action -- as many as you can. Maximize connection with a fresh plan. Pick up a book that speaks to you on improving your relationship! And get busy because timing is everything and it's almost Valentine's Day!

© 2010 Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship

Author Bio
Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD (New York, NY), author of The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship, is a psychotherapist in private practice and a member of the Executive Supervisory Committee of FACTS (the Family and Couples Treatment Service) of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy.

For more information, please visit www.PowerOfTheMiddleGround.com.